Salvation Gene Discovered

South Park U Medical Center (AP) - Researchers here today announced that they have isolated a "Salvation Gene", apparently confirming John Calvin's centuries-longstanding assertion of predestination. The news has unleashed a hail of controversy and criticism from diverse sources.

The Wiccan Association of the United States reaffirmed its pro-abortion stance in a press release, stating that no one should have to raise a child who is doomed to go to heaven. Spokesbeing Lucretia McEvil also pointed out that, due to the fact that the gene is recessive, "the devil really is stronger".

The Nazarene Church has reversed a traditional church stance, embracing abortion on the grounds that no one should be forced to raise a Calvinist. The Wesleyan Church has endorsed lifelong celibacy on the grounds that no one should be forced to raise a Calvinist.

When asked about the discovery’s ramifications for their Arminian theology, the Steering Committee of the 8 million member United Methodist Church released a statement that the discovery has no impact at all. "Our commitment to avoid the use of styrofoam cups during our coffee hours is unswerving", the release stated.

AP reporters asked Julian Thinkworthy, moderator of the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church in the United States (PCUSA) if he views this as a vindication of Calvin. Dr. Thinkworthy replied "Calvin? The kid with the tiger?" (Reporter’s note: we wanted to supply the membership of the denomination but it wouldn’t stop dropping long enough to get a number.)

Jed Mudsplatter, moderator of the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), reported that the church's "Machen kicks butt" T-shirts are selling briskly.

Bishop Cornelius “Butch” Pansy, Spokesman for the Episcopal Church in the US, said the report is very disturbing. He reported that the church leadership will immediately begin investigating methods of human reproduction that would be acceptable to the bishops.

Spokesmen at the Vatican in Rome stated that Pope Benedict has no intention of submitting to a blood test. When asked if the discovery could cut into the sale of indulgences, Papal representative Quidproquo Carpediem stated "it isn't a salvation gene unless his Holiness says it is. And the bidding should start pretty high."

Pat Robertson has reversed his position on human cloning.

The World Council of Churches convened its standing Peace, Justice, Social Equality, Wealth Redistribution and Holistic Personhood committee. The panel called for the South Park U researchers to be buried alive. Spokesdroid Sriva Lap-Sing MauMau bitterly protested the "Male-centric, EuroCentric, Christocentic" nature of the research. "This is another thinly veiled attempt to foist Christian values onto the rest of the world", she said. "Why haven't they found a reincarnation gene or an Assassin gene? How about a Nirvana gene? Who says God wears genes?"

The Christian Reformed Church of the USA faxed a draft copy of its compromise position on the discovery to the AP. "We have always maintained that people have a right to choose to be predestined", it reads. "This does not imply that predestination is not a matter about which people do not have a choice, simply that we do not feel that free will is not an issue in the question of whether or not a person is saved or not." The fax breaks off at this point and police reportedly were summoned to CRC headquarters to break up a brawl.

Eccentric theologian Douglas Wilson had no comment on the news. After reading the news over breakfast he penned 7 different books on the topic before lunch, and then left on a second honeymoon with his wife Nancy.

Jesse Jackson is enroute to Washington DC to discuss the Civil Rights implications of the discovery with President Bush. In his official statement he expressed "grave concern" for the rights of the oppressed Christian community, who can't help being what they are. He is promoting government distribution of New Gaither Vocal Band CDs and ceramic figurines of cute children with large eyes to Christians who test positive for the gene. He acknowledged that this proposal flirts with the profound ethical question of whether the government should subsidize nausea, but also pointed out that he is receiving massive free publicity with this stunt.

In an interview with the Christian Coalition, chief South Park U researcher Dr. Lambda Whynot estimated that 2% of the populace carries the gene. In a followup question he agreed that 10% would sound much better in press releases. The Christian Coalition is already mounting a media campaign entitled "Ten percent is not enough: recruit, recruit, recruit!" When asked what the point was of recruiting someone to a supposedly genetic disposition, Dr. Whynot merely smiled enigmatically and stated "Took you long enough to catch on".

On additional news from South Park U that we are all descended from tuna fish, the New England Journal of Medicine conducted an audit of the research, and repudiated Dr. Whynot’s findings. They discovered that he is in the habit of eating lunch hunched over his laboratory beakers. "We speculate that the so-called Salvation Gene was actually isolated in the genetic material of the wheat flour in Dr. Whynot's tuna sandwich", stated Journal researcher Walleye Pinkeye. "We hope to confirm this by looking for a Damnation gene in the genetic material of tares. But we can't find anyone who knows what a tare is."