Lynchburg, Virginia (AP)- A team of biologists at Liberty University today announced the results of a groundbreaking study of male sexuality. In a report that is sure to create substantial controversy, the Liberty U. team claims to have found a genetic basis for being male.

Reaction has been swift and sharp from many corners. Veronica “Chip” Friedan-Steinem, spokesgrrrrl for the National Organization of Women, condemned the study as “sham science”. “Males can’t try to justify their behavior by hiding behind genetics”, she stated. “Their behavior is just that- a behavior. It should be punished accordingly.”

The American Bar Association hailed the study as a scientific breakthrough. Spokesmale Bernard Sharptort enthusiastically ticked off the many litigious possibilities resulting from it. “This is a grand day for civil liberties! We can have a whole new range of affirmative action,” he stated. “Setaside quotas in all institutions of higher education, where males are under-represented. Possibly, males could even be granted freedom of association. They could get larger bathrooms with couches in them. Males can probably receive government-subsidized Midol under the Americans with Disabilities act. Since pretty much all boys are dosed with Ritalin these days, we can force all girls to be, too. Then we can sue the school districts and get massive class action judgments. Did I say that last part out loud?”

The Boy Scouts of America is mounting a media campaign entitled “Fifty percent is not enough: recruit, recruit, recruit!”. When asked why they would recruit people to something inherited, spokescout Straightshot Stickwhittle merely smiled enigmatically and said “Took you long enough to catch on.”

National Pro-choice America expressed an immediate interest in a test that could detect this, and I quote, “genetic weakness.”. “We expect that most responsible women would opt not to bring a male into the world and be saddled with that burden.”, said spokes-chooser Luna Deadend. “This sort of hardship is the very reason for our proud, unashamed defense of, well, you know, the A-word. The Choice-Thing.”

The Presbyterian Church in the USA (PCUSA) convened its Peace, Justice, Peace, Peace, Justice and Peace committee to study the report. Spokesfigure Julian Thinkworthy, however, expressed considerable initial skepticism of the study. “You know, we’ve been using behavioral means for decades now to try and destroy manhood. To have some wiseacre up and say people are just wired that way is a considerable disappointment to us, and so we think we won’t believe it. I mean, we briefly considered going to the Word of God to obtain an understanding of sexuality and gender, masculine and feminine. But it became clear pretty quickly that it would take us places we didn’t want to go. So we’ll go do some justice stuff instead”.

The United Church of Christ expressed disinterest in the study, stating that its last male member died in 1992.

Episcopal Bishop Cornelius “Butch” Pansy called a press conference to discuss what he termed “this very exciting” news. He described the ECUSA’s increasing consternation over the years at the continued failure of most males to thrive in the denomination. “Now we know why they seem like second-class citizens”, said the Bishop. “They actually ARE second-class, the poor dears. Well, we are ready to stand with them. We will draw them to our breasts with arms of compassion.” The Bishop went on to describe an exciting ECUSA initiative to re-integrate disadvantaged males into the church. “We’ll give them all sex-change operations”, he said. “Then they’ll fit right in”.

United Health Care, one of the nation’s largest medical insurers, announced that it will start to reimburse for flannel shirts and Bud Light at the same rate as orthopaedic appliances such as crutches and braces.

Dr. Lilith Sybillstein, professor of Feminist Militancy Studies at Bryn Mawr, endorsed the study. “Anybody who watches prime-time sitcoms or reads the police notes knows that males aren’t exactly people anyway,” she stated. “We think we can launch a very exciting eugenics program based on this new discovery.”

The Liberty University Spokesman, however, took a different tack. Speaking slowly and using little words, he said that study indicates that there are actually two kinds of people. He said they are different from each other, but both fully human. Each type of person expresses different attributes of God, and every social institution in the nation is hopelessly confused about this. The press room was engulfed in laughter before he finished.

When order was restored the spokesman was asked what the team would study next. He stated that they had toyed with finding a way to surgically implant a sense of curiosity in journalists, but then opted for something easier, like perpetual motion.